Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

“NVC is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions.”

Rosenberg believes that NVC allows us to remain human; Rosenberg identifies kindness and compassion as cornerstones of our humanity, to which we can reconnect through NVC, even when challenging circumstances encourage us to act in conditioned ways, toward violence and anger. The tone is empowering and hopeful.

“When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.”

Rosenberg continues to expound on the theme Compassion as Natural, Conflict as Unnatural. NVC moves us away from recrimination and toward understanding, allowing us to reconnect with our compassion, which has always been present but is overridden by societal conditioning that trains us to look for the shortcomings in others as the reasons for our own discontent.

“Life-alienating communication, however, traps us in a world of ideas about rightness and wrongness—a world of judgments; it is a language rich with words that classify and dichotomize people and their actions. When we speak this language, we judge others and their behavior while preoccupying ourselves with who’s good, bad, normal, abnormal, responsible, irresponsible, smart, ignorant, etc.”

Rosenberg emphasizes the pitfalls of the language of conflict we become well-versed in through societal conditioning. Despite the automated nature of these thoughts, Rosenberg continues to suggest that these thoughts are life-alienating and that they go against our essential nature as compassionate, social beings.

“Such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because, when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance to them among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us.”

Rosenberg suggests that by condemning others out of frustration for our unmet needs, we make others less likely to meet our needs. He continues to condemn “life-alienating” communication and to propose that NVC is an intuitive and logical method of communication, as it helps us to expediently have our needs met by others.

“Asked for an example of something she ‘had to do,’ she retorted, ‘That’s easy! When I leave here tonight, I have to go home and cook. I hate cooking! I hate it with a passion, but I have been doing it every day for twenty years, even when I’ve been as sick as a dog, because it’s one of those things you just have to do.’ I told her I was sad to hear her spending so much of her life doing something she hated because she felt compelled to, and hoped that she might find happier possibilities by learning the language of NVC. I am pleased to report that she was a rapid student. At the end of the workshop, she actually went home and announced to her family that she no longer wanted to cook.”

By avoiding expressing our actions in terms of things we “have to” do, and by instead choosing to restructure them in terms of things we choose to do (or decide not to do), we take more responsibility for our feelings. Rosenberg explores this point through the case study of the mother; NVC helped her to identify that she no longer wanted to cook and that her family had to find an alternative solution.

“When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.”

In order to engage in NVC, Rosenberg stresses the importance of reducing our recriminatory, violent language. One common instance of this is in evaluating a person at the same moment that we observe them. By separating these elements, we are better able to imagine the other person’s needs and to access our empathy. This reflects Rosenberg’s belief in The Importance of Empathy in Order to Communicate Effectively.

“‘It sounds to me like you are feeling lonely and wanting more emotional contact with your husband,’ I responded. When she agreed, I tried to show how statements such as ‘I feel like I’m living with a wall’ are unlikely to bring her feelings and desires to her husband’s attention. In fact, they are more likely to be heard as criticism than an invitation to connect with our feelings. Furthermore, such statements often lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. A husband, for example, hears himself criticized for behaving like a wall; he is hurt and discouraged and doesn’t respond, thereby confirming his wife’s image of him as a wall.”

Instead of expressing her unmet need for emotional connection and her associated feeling of loneliness, the woman in this case study delivers a combined observation and evaluation that in effect criticizes her husband, leading him to be less likely to meet her needs (by acting “like a wall”). This illustrates Rosenberg’s point that violent, rather than nonviolent, communication makes others less, rather than more, likely to meet our needs. This emphasizes the importance of clear, action-based requests based in needs.

“One of the administrators did decide to risk expressing his vulnerability at the dreaded meeting. Instead of his customary manner of appearing strictly logical, rational and unemotional, he chose to state his feelings together with reasons for wanting the physicians to change their position. He noticed how differently the physicians responded to him. In the end he was amazed and relieved when, instead of being ‘picked to pieces’ by the physicians, they reversed their previous position, voting 17 to 1 to support the project instead.”

Rosenberg’s anecdote details the effectiveness of the administrator’s approach at the workplace meeting, who referred honestly to his fear, rather than presenting only logic. The decision to be honest allowed the physicians to see their shared humanity, and subsequently led to a more mutually beneficial resolution. This example illustrates The Importance of Honest and Compassionate Introspection and Self-Expression.

“Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. If someone says, ‘You never understand me,’ they are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled.”

Rosenberg's advice here speaks to The Importance of Honest and Compassionate Introspection and Self-Expression. He calls on people to understand the root of human needs in order to communicate more productively, rather than making comments that are general in nature and can’t be enacted concretely to enrich life.

“At the end of the meeting, the students had clarified 38 actions they wanted the principal to take, including ‘We’d like you to agree to black student representation on decisions made about dress code,’ and ‘We’d like you to refer to us as “black students” and not “you people.”’ The following day, the students presented their requests to the principal using the positive action language we had practiced; that evening I received an elated phone call from them: their principal had agreed to all 38 requests!”

The fact that the principal of the disgruntled students agrees to requests when they are presented in clear, actionable language illustrates the theme regarding Compassion as Natural, Conflict as Unnatural. Rosenberg continues to suggest that NVC allows people to access their natural compassion, whereas unclear language doesn’t enable people to fulfill the needs of others.

“Instead of empathy, we tend instead to have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, on the other hand, requires focusing full attention on the other person’s message. We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood.”

The Importance of Empathy in Order to Communicate Effectively is stressed in Rosenberg’s suggestion to avoid giving advice or reassurance in favor of focusing on listening wholly to a person’s lived experience. This allows a person to feel empathetically heard and fosters greater connectedness.

“MBR: ‘Notice that you are focusing on what he’s thinking and not what he’s needing. I think you’ll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they’re needing rather than what they’re thinking about you. Instead of hearing that he’s unhappy because he thinks you don’t listen, focus on what he’s needing by saying, “Are you unhappy because you are needing…”’

Woman: (trying again) ‘Are you feeling unhappy because you are needing to be heard?’

MBR: ‘That’s what I had in mind. Does it make a difference for you to hear him this way?’

Woman: ‘Definitely—a big difference. I see what’s going on for him without hearing that I had done anything wrong.’”

Rosenberg stresses The Importance of Empathy in Order to Communicate Effectively in his session with a woman and her husband; Rosenberg emphasizes thinking of the needs of the woman’s partner, rather than focusing on what her partner is thinking of her. Tellingly, when she decenters herself from the conversation, the woman is better able to hear her partner’s distress and instead focus on his needs.

“Shortly after participating in an NVC training, a woman volunteer at a hospital was requested by some nurses to talk to an elderly patient: ‘We’ve told this woman she isn’t that sick and that she’d get better if she took her medicine, but all she does is sit in her room all day long repeating, “I want to die. I want to die.”’ The volunteer approached the elderly woman, and as the nurses had predicted, found her sitting alone, whispering over and over, ‘I want to die.’ ‘So you would like to die,’ the volunteer empathized. Surprised, the woman broke off her chant and appeared relieved. She began to talk about how no one understood how terrible she was feeling. The volunteer continued to reflect back the woman’s feelings; before long, such warmth had entered their dialogue that they were sitting arms locked around each other. Later that day, the nurses questioned the volunteer about her magic formula: the elderly woman had started to eat and take her medicine, and was apparently in better spirits.”

The trained volunteer in this example effectively uses NVC in the response of the unwell woman. It is clear that, although the nurses were focused on her wellbeing, the woman did not feel empathetically heard, which stymied the attempts to communicate about her treatment. Rosenberg continues to suggest that prioritizing empathy in communication enables individuals’ needs to be met.

“I’m sure glad you had us practicing empathy with angry people that last time. Just a few days after our session, I went to arrest someone in a public housing project. When I brought him out, my car was surrounded by about 60 people screaming things at me like, ‘Let him go! He didn’t do anything! You police are a bunch of racist pigs!’ Although I was skeptical that empathy would help, I didn’t have many other options. So I reflected back the feelings that were coming at me; I said things like, ‘So you don’t trust my reasons for arresting this man? You think it has to do with race?’ After several minutes of my continuing to reflect their feelings, the group became less hostile. In the end they opened a path so I could get to my car.”

In this anecdote, the police officer manages to diffuse the emotion and danger of the crowd around his car. Rosenberg suggests that anger comes from unmet needs; by using empathy, the officer acknowledges the unmet needs and associated emotional experience of the crowd, which reduces their hostility.

“When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.”

Rosenberg suggests that when we look for needs and feelings, we find universality and can relate to having experienced similar needs ourselves. This allows us to see others who may be acting in intimating or even terrifying ways simply as people with unmet needs, which can diffuse the situation and allow individuals to connect empathetically.

“An important area where this violence can be replaced with compassion is in our moment-to-moment evaluation of ourselves. Since we want whatever we do to lead to the enrichment of life, it is critical to know how to evaluate events and conditions in ways that help us learn and make ongoing choices that serve us. Unfortunately, the way we’ve been trained to evaluate ourselves often promotes more self-hatred than learning.”

Instead of condemning ourselves in hateful ways, Rosenberg advises us to approach our needs as a learning opportunity. This way, rather evaluating ourselves critically, we can better meet our needs in the future.

“Human beings, when hearing any kind of demand, tend to resist because it threatens our autonomy—our strong need for choice. We have this reaction to tyranny even when it’s internal tyranny in the form of a ‘should.’”

Rosenberg continues to stress The Importance of Honest and Compassionate Introspection and Self-Expression in pointing out that we should resist doing things out of obligation, rather than joy, even when it comes from our own internal dialogue. Here Rosenberg suggests that it is a matter of human nature to be resistant to critical evaluations, whether those are leveled against oneself or others; consequently, loving compassion is the better alternative.

“If we find ourselves reacting reproachfully to something we did: ‘Look, you just messed up again!’, we can quickly stop and ask ourselves, ‘What unmet need of mine is being expressed through this moralistic judgment?’ When we do connect to the need—and there may be several layers of needs—we will notice a remarkable shift in our bodies. Instead of the shame, guilt, or depression we likely feel when criticizing ourselves for having ‘messed up again,’ we will experience any number of feelings. Whether it’s sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, grief, or some other feeling, we have been endowed by nature with these feelings for a purpose: they mobilize us for action in pursuing and fulfilling what we need or value. Their impact on our spirit and bodies is substantially different from the disconnection that is brought on by guilt, shame, and depression.”

Rosenberg makes recommendations for how to deal with self-recrimination. In order to meet our own needs, we should focus on our unmet needs rather than blaming or judging ourselves. This allows us to align ourselves more closely with our needs in the future. Sustained connection to our needs is essential to avoid suffering from depression, guilt, or shame.

“I would like to suggest that killing people is too superficial. Killing, hitting, blaming, hurting others—whether physically or mentally—are all superficial expressions of what is going on within us when we are angry. If we are truly angry, we would want a much more powerful way to fully express ourselves.”

Rosenberg explores the theme Compassion as Natural, Conflict as Unnatural, through his description of killing as a superficial expression of anger. This violent reaction is inadequate as it does not focus on identifying the unmet needs that have caused the anger; therefore, those unmet needs remain unresolved. By approaching situations with compassion for oneself and others, a person is better able to attach their anger to an unmet need and approach another person with empathy. As a result, they can understand what their needs and feelings were that led them toward actions that did not meet their needs.

“The cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of blame and judgment.”

Rosenberg argues that anger is caused by our own thinking; it is not inevitable. By changing the language of our thoughts, we can avoid the unproductive emotion of anger and instead move toward meeting our needs and the needs of others.

“I see all anger as a result of life-alienating, violence-provocative thinking. At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met.”

Rosenberg describes anger as essentially unnatural, suggesting that it is not useful unless it is harnessed as an “alarm clock.” This metaphor illustrates the way that anger should be used to alert us to our unmet needs, rather than to violently expressing anger to others; expressing anger to others is ultimately useless and will cause others to be less likely to meet our needs.