The Three Lives of Cate Kay

Cass Ford is born Anne Marie Callahan, in Bolton Landing, a small town in upstate New York. She yearns for her distant mother’s attention and approval. Her mother, Patricia, works as a housekeeper at The Chateau, a local resort, and struggles with alcohol addiction. In 1991, the summer before fourth grade, Annie wears her favorite Tom and Jerry t-shirt for a month before her mother notices and angrily takes the shirt away. She particularly remembers this day not just because of the incident with the t-shirt but because it is the day that she “[catches] the sickness of wanting to eat the world” (5). She looks up into the sky and suddenly has a moment of “derealization” in which she understands that “the universe is all there is” (6), and it leaves her with a feeling of emptiness inside that she is desperate to fill. Later that summer, she meets Amanda, the girl who will become her best friend, at a free theater camp. Because she was previously called “Anne Marie,” she feels that something about her identity and her path in life changes when Amanda starts calling her “Annie.”

Annie describes her budding friendship with Amanda, and their childhood feeling that their friendship is uniquely deep and meaningful. Amanda lives with her father and younger sister, Kerri. Amanda loves fashion and advises Annie to dress so that her outsides match her insides, but Annie finds this advice difficult to understand. Amanda tries to help Annie by buying her a tote from the famous New York bookstore, The Strand, as an example of how to authentically represent herself, but Annie does not feel comfortable accepting this gift. (Years later, she finds the tote in the back of her car, and she never parts with it again.)

On Amanda’s 16th birthday, Annie waits while Amanda takes her driver’s license test. She admires how confident Amanda seems both before and after the test. When Amanda returns to Annie and casually tosses her keys and catches them, Annie recognizes this as “[a] performance, but also not, which [is] the best kind” (14). Amanda insists that they celebrate by going to a party hosted by their school’s quarterback, Tommy. Annie would rather just drive around; she imagines watching Amanda reacting to each song that she has included on the celebratory mixed tape she has compiled for her friend. She is particularly interested in Amanda’s reaction to a Sarah McLachlan song that hints at Annie’s developing romantic feelings for Amanda. Amanda gets very drunk at Tommy’s party, and Annie has to drive them both home even though she does not have her own license yet.

Later, when Annie finally does get her license, she inherits an old red Honda that the two girls dub “Brando.” One day, the rearview mirror in the beat-up car cracks from the cold, and this event feels somehow “dramatic and purposeful” (17) to Annie. The two dream of someday driving Brando to Los Angeles, where they will work together in the movies, always playing best friends. Annie does not tell Amanda of her worry that her own hunger for the world will eventually make this dream too small and that she will end up leaving Amanda behind.

The narrative shifts to the first-person perspective of Amanda’s younger sister, Kerri, who offers her childhood perspective on Amanda. At this time, she says, Amanda is her “idol” (20). To Kerri, everything Amanda does is cool, and Amanda’s consistent warmth makes Kerri love her even more. Kerri remembers only one incident that temporarily puts some distance between them. On the night of Amanda and Annie’s junior prom, Kerri asks Amanda whether she is in love with Annie, and Amanda reacts with frustration. Amanda indicates that she is aware that people believe this to be true, but she assures her sister that she does not feel that way about Annie. Amanda then refuses to continue the conversation.

On the night before her junior prom, Annie gets a rare moment of conversation with her mother, but her mother spoils it by recounting a pointed story about walking in on two women having sex in a room at the Chateau. Patricia uses a slur for the women and makes it clear that she feels only disgust for the women’s sexual orientation.

On the night of the prom, Annie asks Amanda what will happen after they make it big in Hollywood, playing best friends. Amanda, sensing that there is a big question behind this seemingly innocuous question, asks Annie to explain. Annie begins to tell Amanda about her own craving for “cosmic bigness” (25), explaining that she hopes to someday become a solo star in serious dramas, win an Oscar, and direct films. Amanda seems both sad and protective as she teases Annie about the size of her dreams. Annie impulsively tells Amanda that she loves her; Amanda understands that Annie means this romantically, and she gently, silently, lets Annie know that this feeling is not reciprocated.

A few weeks later, Amanda shows Annie a boat that her father has been working on. The two take the boat out onto Lake George. They talk about what they have in common, exclaiming over their mutual love for key lime pie, slices of which they often buy and share. As the sun goes down, Amanda comments that “New York doesn’t get enough credit for its sunsets” (28). Annie feels a little sad and jealous when Amanda explains that this is a family joke, because Kerri is constantly saying that New York has the best sunsets.

The narrative shifts to the perspective of an actress named Ryan “Ry” Channing, who is writing from Los Angeles about the events of October 2006. She acknowledges mixed feelings about her career; she loves being in the spotlight, but she is also aware that her public persona of “Ry” Channing, confident and successful movie star, is a performance that hides the truth of who she really is: Ryan Channing, a “shy girl from Lawrence, Kansas” (29), a lover of museums and an undiagnosed “dyslexic” who is unsure about which of her “selves” to adopt for her persona while writing this passage.

In 2006, Ry is on the verge of a breakout success because of her upcoming film Beneath the Same Moon, and her work is starting to draw attention. A copy of a book called The Very Last is delivered to her. Her agent, Matt, tells her that the book is very hot at the moment; author Cate Kay’s decision to write under a pseudonym and to keep her real identity a secret is adding to the buzz around the book. He thinks that Ry should play a character called Samantha. Ry reads the novel’s opening, in which Samantha and her best friend, Jeremiah, are the only two reporters at their television station to escape death when a nuclear bomb detonates in New York City. From the jacket copy, Ry learns that the story will also follow Samantha’s daughter, Persephone, who many years later will return to the remains of Manhattan, now referred to as “The Core,” in search of her own identity. By the time Ry is called to the set, she has read more than half of the novel and has decided that she wants to play Persephone, not Samantha. She relates to Persephone’s restless, curious spirit and is drawn to details like Persephone’s beloved Tom-and-Jerry shirt.

As the narrator, Ryan reflects that, to this day, whenever The Very Last—or either of its two sequels and three wildly popular films—is mentioned, she thinks immediately of Cass Ford (also known as Cate Kay), and how Cass broke her heart.

Annie’s narrative resumes with events that occur in the fall of 1999. She talks Mr. Riley, the high school drama teacher, into choosing Twelfth Night for their next production, because unlike previous plays that Riley has chosen, it has one clear female lead. Annie wants to see whether she or Amanda will get the part of Viola. She thinks that she will be able to accept either outcome, but when Amanda gets the part, she is jealous and upset. She starts to doubt her own abilities as an actor and wonders if she has just been riding Amanda’s coattails.

Ryan continues her narrative, explaining the isolation she feels after Beneath the Same Moon catapults her into stardom. She feels trapped in her Los Feliz bungalow because she cannot go anywhere without attracting attention. The one potential connection she has is Sarah, a barista on whom she developed a crush before the movie came out. Just after Ryan finally gets up the courage to ask Sarah on a date, her studio and her agents, Janie and Matt, insist that she go on a very public fake date with a male co-star. Only Janie, whom Ryan trusts implicitly, is aware of her true sexual orientation, and after Ryan agrees to the publicity stunt, Janie privately reminds her that someday, Ryan will have the power to make the rules for herself.

In the fall after their graduation from high school, Annie and Amanda prepare to leave for Los Angeles. They gradually pack Brando’s trunk; only Kerri knows about their plan. Annie feels guilty because she has still not shaken the sense that someday she will have to create a future for herself without Amanda. In addition to her outsized ambitions for her career, she cannot imagine falling in love with anyone else as long as Amanda is constantly in her life. One day, she asks Amanda whether, before meeting Annie, Amanda had a different plan for her life. Amanda tells her that going to Hollywood has always been her plan, and Annie responds curtly enough that Amanda asks what is wrong. Annie tries unsuccessfully to smooth over the tension that she has created, not wanting to have a big fight right before they are supposed to leave.

Ryan is excited for her date with Sarah, but Sarah stands her up; the bartender gives Ryan a note from Sarah that makes it clear that Sarah is uninterested in getting involved with Ryan after seeing an article about Ryan’s supposed date with her co-star. Ryan retreats back into her bungalow, rereading The Very Last for the third time. Given the personal compromises that she has recently made in pursuit of fame, Ryan is fascinated by author Cate Kay’s desire to remain anonymous. She searches the text for clues about Cate’s real identity. One scene particularly sticks with her. It concerns the moment that Jeremiah finds out that Samantha is a lesbian. Ryan feels that the language in this scene rings too true to have been written by anyone but a lesbian. She calls Matt and tells him that she wants to meet Cate. When he tells her that this is impossible, she says that she will write a letter to Cate and instructs him to deliver it to the one person who seems to know Cate’s real identity: a lawyer named Sidney Collins. In addition to hoping that Cate might become a mentor figure in her life, Ryan begins daydreaming that Cate might turn out to be “sexy and fun” (52).

Matt is astonished when Cate agrees to the meeting. Ryan will need to agree to a long list of security measures and sign a detailed NDA. Janie, who is the only person besides Matt who knows about the upcoming meeting with Cate, tells Ryan that Cate wants to stay at Ryan’s bungalow instead of at a hotel. On the Friday that Cate has arranged to arrive, she surprises Ryan by showing up early. When Ryan takes one look at the woman, she instantly understands that “this woman doesn’t just have a secret…. No, she was a secret” (57).

On the day before Annie and Amanda intend to leave for Los Angeles in the fall of 2000, Amanda insists on taking her father’s boat out. Amanda shows off by gunning the motor, and Annie reflects that Amanda has been showing off a lot to her lately, as if trying to keep her attention. Amanda takes Annie to a small island, where she has found an abandoned house falling into ruin. When Amanda finds a zipline and climbs up to use it, Annie asks her repeatedly not to risk it, but Amanda ignores Annie’s warnings. Just as Amanda flies out over an empty pool, the line detaches. She falls at a dangerous angle and is silent. Annie rushes to her. Amanda’s eyes are open, staring, and she is unable to speak.

Annie is overwhelmed with fear, but she gathers herself and rushes back to the boat. She crosses to shore and runs into a motel to get someone to call 911. After she explains the situation to emergency services, she hurries back to the boat, intending to get back to Amanda as quickly as possible. However, just as she is about to set out, however, she thinks about what will happen next for her and Amanda, and she begins to panic. She abandons the boat and walks to her car. Feeling calmer, she slides into the driver’s seat.

Amanda and Annie’s high school drama teacher recalls an evening in 1999, an hour before the first performance of Twelfth Night. Looking for Annie and Amanda, he found them huddled together behind a stage curtain, talking. He overheard one whispering about pre-performance jitters and the other reassuring her. One said to the other that she loves her because she “[holds her] steady, but without holding [her] still” (64).

Even now, he is amazed at the force of their love for one another.

Annie drives out of town, wondering whether she is a monster for abandoning Amanda. In the moment, she feels incapable of any other choice. The scene of Amanda’s fall replays over and over in her mind. When she gets to Plattsburgh, an hour and a half north of Bolton Landing, she decides that she does not want to be any farther away from Amanda. Needing a restroom, she finds a local café. She sees a “help wanted” sign in the window. She thinks about what the future will be like if she returns to Bolton Landing, then imagines a future in which she stays in Plattsburgh and tries to “become someone new” (67). She invents herself a new name— Cassandra Ford—and goes to the counter to ask for a job application. For a month, she works days in the café and sleeps in her car at night, always on the verge of returning to Bolton Landing but never actually returning.

Cass (Annie) suggests to Brett, the café manager, that if he gives her the keys, she can open the café each morning, sparing him from having to get up so early. He gives her a hard time but eventually agrees. This means that Cass can secretly sleep in the café at night instead of in her car. Another improvement in her situation comes with her discovery of a writing class nearby. She likes the idea of the anonymity of writing, reflecting that unlike actors, writers are not centered in their work and often go unnoticed by their audiences.

Brett, the café manager, narrates his own recollections of Cass’s early days at the café. He is aware that she is sleeping in her car and going through something terrible, and he is relieved when she asks for the café keys. He secretly welcomes this covert solution to getting her a place to sleep at night.

Sidney Collins recalls her first meeting with Cass Ford in the winter of 2000. Sidney, a prelaw student, is enrolled in the writing course that Cass begins auditing. She is immediately struck by Cass’s beauty, and they strike up a conversation when Cass asks to borrow a pen. Later, on their way out of the building, Sidney offers Cass a red notebook to use for the class. This, she claims, is the same notebook that Cass will later use to write the first draft of The Very Last. (In a footnote to this chapter, Cate Kay interjects to say that this is inaccurate; the red notebook was actually a gift from Amanda.) Sidney begins hanging out at the café, trying to get to know Cass. She notices that Cass seems intrigued that Sidney has plans to leave for New York to start law school in the fall.

Sidney treats Cass to her first sushi dinner. Sidney likes the idea that, for the rest of Cass’s life, she will think of Sidney every time she eats sushi. Over dinner, Cass shares her childhood dream of being an actor and intimates that something has happened to put an end to this dream. After dinner, they say goodnight. Sidney gets a call from her mother and ducks back into the restaurant to talk. When she emerges, she is surprised to see a light in the café and realizes that Cass is inside. She knocks, and Cass reluctantly lets her in. Sidney tells Cass that it is obvious Cass has something preying on her mind. Cass reacts with visible distress; Sidney comforts her as she begins to rock and sob. Finally, Cass tells Sidney the story of what happened in Bolton Landing. When Cass finishes her story, Sidney kisses her. She invites Cass to come to New York with her, and Cass accepts.